Do you ever have nights where you wake up shuddering about the future? Yeah? Well I had one the other night and it's taken me almost a week to recover. I tend to be a the-glass-is-full-you-just-can't-see-it-clearly kind of girl but that night the frickin' glass was bone dry. With daylight I tried to hide my glaring self-doubts under layers of brightly colored clothing but the murky gloom leaked out through the seams.
Then my daughter called to say her computer had died. Classes were set to start the next day and she was in a panic. I hopped in my SuperMomobile and drove to her college where we exchanged computers. I drove straight from there to the local Apple Store. When I began to rail to the beleaguered tech about how this is the third time we've had to replace the hard drive on this machine, the damn thing started up on its own. Being so close to the Apple God put the fear of hazardous waste dump in it, I suppose. But it had been overheating for weeks so I left it there and went home computerless. Several days of diagnostic tests and a new battery later I sit here typing on my daughter's computer.
But the day after the computer-stroke I turned into a driveway too early, in an attempt to get my other daughter to class on time, and killed my front tire when it went over the curb at a bad angle. I'm still awaiting a replacement tire. Like me, it doesn't seem to be a standard size.
And then there was the heat wave that arrived just as our aging AC unit puffed its final cool breath. That kind of put me over the edge—a short distance to cover.
No one was hurt in any of these events. They just cost time, money and my good humour—the very things I was feeling a distinct lack of when I awoke terrified in the middle of the night a few days before. I'm not so far gone that I can't see a pattern here and I realize I need to do some work on my energy field. Sucky is not how I want to live.
In this vein I spent the past few days trying to refocus on all the things that ARE going right in my life. I'd like to say that was easy but it's hard to stop a runaway train. Sometimes you just have to let it hit a wall. When the dust settles you can pick up the relevant pieces and go on about your business.
It may be time to resurrect my Gratitude Journal. I did this a few months ago and I don't remember walking around in a black cloud while I was doing it. So here goes:
Today I am grateful for:
1. smcFanControl—a new app I downloaded that lets me set the fan on my laptop so it runs faster. So far, anyway, the computer is running much cooler. It shows me on the top bar that the temp has dropped from 170 degrees F. to 120 degrees and my knees are no longer scorching.
2. My cat, Emma, has stopped trying to climb over the fence into the neighbors yards where she always used to get stuck. She seems content to hang out in our yard and I no longer have to wait until the neighbors return from work so I can knock on their doors and ask for the return of my kitty.
3. Both daughters seem to like their classes. Yea!!
4. My book is coming along. The characters are now telling ME the story.
5. I have a computer on my lap that is working.
Life is good...or at least it feels better.